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I know I'm late on posts of milestones, and photos of my perfect little man....but I thought tonight I should paste some past journal entries that I've been keeping aside from my blog.  I get frustrated often, because I can't put into words how passionate I am about my life.  The love I have for my family, and the pride I beam with.  For those of you who know me, I'm not great with words.  Speaking the thoughts in my head often makes them seem so two-dimensional....I can't keep a journal for the life of me because I'm not in the mood to journal (or blog) every single day.  When it comes, I write...It makes me feel flaky.  But at least it's better than nothing....My intentions are good...the out come is lacking.....such is life.

(For the record...nothing's edited...Just ramblings from head to pen....forgive me!)

06 December 2009

3 months old….91 days of life in the outside world…and I feel like I’ve known you forever.  Time is passing so swiftly.  Every day I hold you a little longer than I should.  When company fills our home through the holidays everyone rushing to meet you and hold you and love you I secretly scoop you up to feed in the quiet of our room.  Rocking you softly in our chair I nurse you…a little longer than I should.  I know you’re finished with your meal, but I long for those quiet moments alone with you.  Memorizing every new curve to your face, the wrinkles in your little pinky that have grown so much since the first day I met you, and your once dainty wrists that now resemble nothing other than sausages.  I coax a smile out of you with milk all over your face.  It’s my favorite time of day.  Meal time.  Our time.  You hold my finger and stare at me then after you get your fill you fall asleep so sound.  And I hold you just a little longer than I should before rejoining the party.  Before I have to share you with the world.  I sound so selfish.  I love sharing you, showing you off,  letting others love you.  I see that sparkle in your eye when you see me in the room.  The smile on your face…the ones just for me. 

Three months ago you were born on a full moon.  Every full moon since takes me right back to that day of uncertainty.  The day where my heart filled up with more love than I ever thought imaginable.  The day I fell in love with your father all over again.  The day when I thought my body wasn’t capable of bringing you into the world.  The day I was scared to meet you.  The most incredible day of my life.  I did what I thought was impossible.  You came and met me.  The day I became complete.  The day I found what I never knew I was missing….I feel so lucky, so thankful, and so undeserving of this life with you and your dad.  I’ve done nothing to deserve this life of perfection. 

I have a friend from junior high school.  She’s been heavy on my mind lately.  She’s had a rough time.  High school wasn’t good to her.  Her marriage, difficult.  Her paychecks, never enough.  Her brother died last week and I sit and wonder…We both were brought up just the same.  Same town, same school, same middle-class families.  Her life left her with so much pain, suffering, and uncertainty, and here I am so blessed.  I have a perfect baby boy—healthy and constantly happy.  I have a loving husband—supportive and strong, not to mention my best friend.  I have a wonderful family—always there for me.  Why do I deserve all this good fortune in such a cruel, cruel world?