A Toast! ... To 2009!

New Years Eve is upon us, and Gus and I are snuggled in on the couch in our pj's!  We've never been big on holidays of this sort (unless we're in Mexico of course, then every day is worth celebrating in style!) so spending this year with our parents over dinner sounded perfect to us!  We were home before ten, which was probably a couple hours too late according to Harper.  With our main little man snug as a bug in his carseat (yes, he fell asleep on the way home and we are letting him snooze until we go to bed, or he decides otherwise, because of the day we have had!) I decided to reflect on the year.  I'm becoming a little sentimental as I sit and write, watching Gus play his Xbox and listening to Harper pant and chuckle in his slumber.  I can't believe all that has happened in these three hundred and sixty five days.  I can't believe how different I am, and how different our lives are today as compared to this day in 2008.  And I can't believe how everything I never thought I wanted has deemed me the luckiest girl in the world!  There will honestly never be another year that comes close to this one, and I want to try my hardest to document it all.

...Let's begin where we sit one year ago...December 31, 2008.  In true Molan fashion, we were hosting a party of all parties on my in-laws deck in Mexico.  Right on the beach we celebrated with friends and family.  I of course packed my favorite shirt and highest heels for the shin-dig!  As I buttoned my pants and stretched my blouse over my stomach, I remember distinctly being very frustrated at the fact that they fit so much tighter than they had before we'd left the States.  I chalked it up to too many tacos from JJ's  (JJ's is our fav taco stand down the street!) and continued with the festivities....I fell asleep that night slightly chubby, happy, and with no idea what 2009 was going to bring us!

...January 2009....
We flew home, dogs and all, back to Cannon Beach on the fifth.  We were exhausted after being stuck at the Mexico/US boarder for over eight hours through the night.  We dropped our bags on the living room floor and headed to bed.  The next morning I woke up before Gus (like always!), and I felt a little funny. I'm not exactly sure what made me take that test that morning, and I sort of felt like I was wasting time.  It was IMPOSSIBLE for us to have a positive test.  I glanced down at it a few minutes later and I lost my stomach.  The word "pregnant" was clear as day, but there was a space in front of the word for the "not" that didn't show up?  I was so confused.  I kept looking at the space where the "not" should've been, and was more fixed on that than the actual letters that did appear.  I looked from the missing three letters to my face in the mirror, and my jaw had dropped wide open...My eyes were huge.  I couldn't believe what was happening.  All day I tried to say the word...Pregnant.  I couldn't even say it to myself in my own head.  It physically wouldn't come out.  We ran our usual errands, to get gas, to get groceries, etc.  At one point Gus looked at me in the car (I must've been staring off out the window contemplating the morning's happenings) and asked, "Is everything alright?"...I bantered back, "Yeah..psht...Why wouldn't it be?"  And I kept thinking, "How am I supposed to tell him this crazy news when I can't even say the words in my own head??!"  The day passed, it was a Monday.  I had to work the following morning, and Gus went out to the local pub with a few friends.  I was thrilled.  I needed a minute to myself in the quiet...Just me, our cabin on the beach, the ocean crashing, and this poppyseed of a human being in my uterus.  I had to gather my thoughts and I wouldn't let the day pass without figuring out how to tell him.  Pregnancy exhaustion had set in, so I decided to head to bed with the dogs and leave my test on his night stand.  He had to see it when he got home.  Then the words I couldn't muster wouldn't have to be spoken!  (Now that's true Ashley fashion....!)  I woke up to Gus whispering in my ear if I was awake, and if I was really pregnant.  I shrugged my shoulders, letting the stick in his hand do the talking.  He squeezed me, gave me a kiss, and told me he was excited (I could hear the smile in his words...he was BEAMING!)...I said I was glad he was and fell asleep with his hands on my belly...I was in shock.  I've never been around kids, and when I was, I couldn't wait to get away.  I had never changed a diaper.  I didn't even know if I really, REALLY wanted them!  We talked about it when we were engaged and decided we'd start planning when I was thirty!  No, not when WE were thirty, or when Gus was.  I needed it to be when  I was...because that gave me an extra seven months from the time Gus turned to when I did!  Apparently, we didn't have to do any talking!

...Still January 2009....
Gus heads fishing for the winter a week after we find out about our little poppyseed.  We spent the weekend in Seattle celebrating a friends wedding and he flew out that Sunday, January 18th.  I faked my champagne toasts, and my vodka-tonic with a twist of lime was really a Sprite, to soothe a nauseous tummy!  Before we left we tried and tried to tell our families, but I still was having trouble, so Gus told my big brother.  He said, "Watch out for her if anything goes wrong, and take her to the doctor...etc"...I spent the next several weeks sleeping.  Nauseous.  Working.  Lucky I made it to the gym before starting the process all over.  I even got sick on the side of the road on my way to work one morning, and then again at work prepping for my day.  I thought if this is how it was going to be, I had no idea how I was going to survive the next three months!  And that day was the hardest little fetus Harper was on me.  January 30th, my best friend Kristi came to visit me from Seattle.  I told her I was 9 weeks pregnant.  Well she guessed...I couldn't say it out loud!  She was shocked...She cried.  I cried...

...February 2009...
Still sleeping, working, writing love letters to my honey up north, working out, and sleeping.  I remember worrying about not eating the right things, but really only able to stomach bland substances.  Bread...Crackers...Fruit.  My mom's birthday was the 21st, and I still hadn't been able to say the words, "I'm pregnant".  It was pretty easy to not deal with it because I slept all the time!  I went to the local Osh Kosh B'gosh, and found a pack of newborn onsies.  I nervously bought them and wrapped them up for her to open.  I remember being scared the lady knew they were for the baby I was carrying and I just couldn't wrap my head around it.  I remember signing the birthday card, "Love, the Molan FAMILY" instead of just Ash and Gus...I remember being so scared that I left the gift at their house and went down to my own and napped before heading to bed.  My mom called and she was so happy!  Thrilled!  I was just a little weirded out by the fact that her and Dad now knew that Gus and I had sex...That was the most difficult part!  My dad was upset that he couldn't shout it from the rooftops because we couldn't get ahold of Grandma Joanne yet.  She was in Guadalajara, MX and we couldn't call her.  Jack knew because he was on the boat with Gus in Alaska.

I also had my first doctors appointment this month.  Aaron drove me.  It was February 9th.  It was snowing.  We got stuck on David Douglas.  We turned around and rescheduled with a different doctor the following Monday.  He drove me again.  I promised him it was only a half hour appointment and he didn't have to come inside.  Like a good big brother, he waited in the waiting room...and waited and waited...all the while I got my weight recorded, peed in my first cup (of many!), and sat pants-less on the table with a little dinner napkin covering my lap.  I waited there without my pants for two hours!!  The nurse kept checking up on me wondering why the doctor hadn't been in yet.  She kept asking, "Has he been in yet??!"...I shook my head, just like I did the time before...She replied, "Oh no, it can't be good next door then..."  I grew even more anxious.  He finally came in...And let me tell you...He looked NOTHING like his face in the pamphlet showed.  He was fit, tan, messy haired, and not clean shaven.  You know the look....like all the doctors on Grey's Anatomy!  And he was going to do what??!  Oh how I wished I had my pants on...He was very apologetic about the wait, and said he couldn't find a heart beat next door.  My palms began to sweat a little bit more...and I kept thinking "why doesn't my mom know where I am??"  So we proceed with the appointment and I see my little gummy bear on the ultrasound with a perfect heartbeat and I couldn't believe that heartbeat was coming from my belly.  I was 11weeks 3 days gestation and it finally felt real.  He was real.  He had two little stubby arms and legs, and little head and torso.  He was so cute, and looked exactly like a gummy bear!  I finally got to put my pants on and get back to my brother.  Gus had called from the boat like eight times during my appointment!  I assured him that the loss wasn't ours, and I was so grateful for my poppyseed's heartbeat!  After assuring Gus things were great I sifted through all the paperwork they gave me and threw a little ultrasound photo at my brother as he drove west towards home.  I didn't know what else to say.  I watched him look at the picture and I mustered out, "I think he looks like a gummy bear."...His smile grew so wide as I saw him focus in on the little guy's first snapshot.  He returned with, "No, I think he looks like a gingerbread man!"  I couldn't stop staring at the pictures of that little thing inside of me....

...March 2009...
Gus is still gone, but the family went to a Blazer game the 13th.  I was 15 weeks along.  That was a lot of fun.  We stayed the night in Portland (we used to do that all the time growing up, it brought back memories) and my parents took me to my first Babies R Us!  That was the most overwhelming shopping experience of my life!   And I pride myself on my shopping abilities!

March 31, at 17 weeks, I felt my first flutters of a kick from little baby Harper!  I couldn't believe it.  And I loved that little guy more than I thought I ever could...At the time!  Gus had been home for less than a week!

...April 2009...
The 10th was our big ultrasound and Gus' first doctor's appointment since he had been home!  It was Good Friday, and I hadn't known GOOD until this day!  My mom came with us to see the ultrasound and we learned that our little gummy bear was a HE!  We were so excited.  Gus and I both wanted a boy so bad, but had been feeling it was a girl...Ahhh sweet relief!  My mom cried...I cried....and Gus was silent!  He heard his heart beat and we watched him play for close to an hour!  I fell in love even more.  I felt like I was finally getting to meet this little guy.  We put a name to his face (but didn't tell anyone until he was born!) and watched him.  You could see his little personality already!  He opened and closed his mouth like he was singing.  He looked happy already!  We celebrated with Baby's first Boba tea!  Decaf of course!  My favorite!  I thought Gus was a little overwhelmed at his first visit...That was a lot to take in!  He had left in January and came home at the end of March to a swollen wife, and now a son!

...May 2009...
On the 3rd, at 23 weeks I felt my first kick from the outside of my belly!  It took Gus a few days to catch the feeling, and our hearts grew a little more!  Looking back, I thought I loved him as much as one could...And then each day it increased...It still is.  I can't explain it.  We went to Los Angeles, Ca. when we were 25 weeks pregnant for Auntie Ahna's graduation from Biola University.  Harper and I got the worst sunburn I have ever had...Immobilizing!  And we only spent three hours in the sun!  I learned later that the increase in Estrogen in my body made me more succeptible to the burn!  OUCH!  I was a fat, lobster-like mess!

...June 2009...
We moved into our new home the first of the month!  It was beautifully built by my brother, and we couldn't feel more blessed.  The house was perfect for bringing a new baby into, and his nursery was my favorite room!  On the 8th, Gus left for Alaska again.  I met him up there on the 26th, 30 weeks pregnant!  I worked on the boat with them, and made some great memories!  One included a skiff ride to land, and a 300 yard trek through knee-high mud.  I swore I was going to give birth to our little guy right then and there (Okay, this was actually July 4!)  My hips hurt...I was convinced they were dislocated.  And apparently the skiff driver thought I was carrying extra holiday weight and not a baby as he bounced us back to the Columbia 20 minutes away.  I was heaved back on board our boat and ran to the bathroom crying.  I was so scared, and in so much pain.  Gus consoled me, and I took a hot shower to finish my sap session.  I decided then and there in that shower that I needed to go home and focus on being pregnant and not keeping up with everybody else from here on out!

...July 2009...
I came home from Alaska on the 11th to my new house.  I prepared for my baby shower on the 25th at 35 weeks pregnant!  It was a beautiful shower and a beautiful day.  It was incredible to see how many friends and family were excitedly awaiting our precious arrival!  The following morning two very good girlfriends came down from Seattle to take maternity photos of me!  We had a great time capturing my ever-changing body!  I can't wait to show the photos to Harper and explain to him how he lived in Mommy's belly!

...August 2009...
Already August!  My pregnancy was winding down, and yes I learned how to say it out loud by now!  We met Harper's pediatrician on the 7th.  He just so happened to be my doctor when I was little.  During our meet-and-greet he asked if he'd known me before.  We were walking back to his office and embarrassed, I said I used to be a patient of his when I was three!  Gus got home the next day and I couldn't be happier!  My maternity leave started on the 20th (see beginning of blog!) and talk of Harper's arrival came in tow!

[Happy NEW YEAR!  The clock just struck twelve, and I had to kiss the men in my life!]

...September 2009...
Everything between July and September 5th happened so fast.  I remember the night of the 3rd feeling extra crampy.  I was trying to figure out what contractions were and which were real, etc.  I took a bath to relax.  I had one last extra large bowl of ice cream because I had a feeling it wouldn't taste as good with an outside baby!  Gus and I went to bed around 11pm that night.  By 2am I was awaken by contractions that I could no longer sleep through.  How could our little man be so well behaved that he comes ON HIS DUE DATE??!  I finished packing our bags for the hospital and by 6am I was pretty uncomfortable.  I showered because I wasn't sure when I'd get another one, and then woke Gus up close to 7am.  He sat up and stared at me.  He wasn't sure why I was up and dressed so early.  I told him I think we're going to have a baby today, so he should shower too.  He stumbled about...and finally got ready.  We left for the hospital around ten.  I didn't want to leave because I was scared what I would come home with!  We stopped by my mom's to drop off Lily.  I don't remember much but being uncomfortable and both Gus and Mom nagging me to get going.  So off we went....And the rest is history!  (And already recorded in earlier posts!)